Changes to workouts and adjusted schedules have allowed me the opportunity to have an additional post this week. In honor of this special occasion, I have decided to share a little bit about an amazing superpower that I have discovered.
How To Gain 5lbs in a Single Day
Last December, I shared with you how I managed to lose 10lbs in one month. Did you read it? Amazing, I know. But equally as amazing, I have learned that I possess the power to gain half as much weight in a 24 hour period. That is right, I have learned to harness the power of my body and mind to gain 5 pounds in a single day. How did I learn such a spectacular feat? Although I have been advised otherwise, I will now share with you this ancient Chinese secret.
First, I awoke yesterday morning and laid in my bed. No rushing off to run 5miles or lift weight for an hour. Nope, I just rolled over looked at the clock, smiled, and rolled back over in the silence of my bedroom. Then, I had breakfast delivered to me right there where I lay. I did manage to raise to the seated position, but I moved as little as possible to avoid any excessive caloric burn. I then proceeded to eat an amazingly large bowl of cereal, and equally large slice of toast with butter, and 3 slices of bacon. Without moving too abruptly, I opened several presents from my family. Unfortunately, I did have to go to work, but I very carefully trudged my way to the bathroom to clean up and slowly returned to my bedroom to change. At work, I moved from my desk as little as possible, although I was annoyingly called away several times to attend to business matters. To counteract this movement, I ate an orange. Next, Katie surprised me with a birthday lunch on campus. In order to continue my drudgery, we drove rather than walk the 5 blocks to the restaurant. I ate an incredibly large bowl of stir fry from the Flattop Grill and downed it with 2 Diet Cokes. Upon returning to my office, I ate an abnormally healthy portion of the peach crisp that Katie had made me, and topped it with some of the home-made maple cream sauce. After Katie's departure and my return to work, I began to feel very uncomfortable. I again drove to the convenience store and downed 2 tablespoons of Pepto-Bismol to ensure that I would be constipated throughout the evening. For dinner, I ate a piece of chicken drenched in butter and coated, again in cereal. On top of that, I had a pile of mashed potatoes and some sweet peas. For dessert, I had a Dairy Queen blizzard. And just to be sure that I completed this amazing effort, I downed some chips and salsa just before bedtime.
When I woke up this morning, BAM!, I had gained the full 5lbs. Though you may be encourage to try this at home, I do not recommend it; I am an expert.