Friday, March 11, 2011

Super, Extra Special Friday Edition

Changes to workouts and adjusted schedules have allowed me the opportunity to have an additional post this week.  In honor of this special occasion, I have decided to share a little bit about an amazing superpower that I have discovered.

How To Gain 5lbs in a Single Day

Last December, I shared with you how I managed to lose 10lbs in one month. Did you read it?  Amazing, I know.  But equally as amazing, I have learned that I possess the power to gain half as much weight in a 24 hour period.  That is right, I have learned to harness the power of my body and mind to gain 5 pounds in a single day.  How did I learn such a spectacular feat? Although I have been advised otherwise, I will now share with you this ancient Chinese secret.

First, I awoke yesterday morning and laid in my bed.  No rushing off to run 5miles or lift weight for an hour.  Nope, I just rolled over looked at the clock, smiled, and rolled back over in the silence of my bedroom.  Then, I had breakfast delivered to me right there where I lay.  I did manage to raise to the seated position, but I moved as little as possible to avoid any excessive caloric burn.  I then proceeded to eat an amazingly large bowl of cereal, and equally large slice of toast with butter, and 3 slices of bacon.  Without moving too abruptly, I opened several presents from my family.  Unfortunately, I did have to go to work, but I very carefully trudged my way to the bathroom to clean up and slowly returned to my bedroom to change.  At work, I moved from my desk as little as possible, although I was annoyingly called away several times to attend to business matters.  To counteract this movement, I ate an orange.  Next, Katie surprised me with a birthday lunch on campus.  In order to continue my drudgery, we drove rather than walk the 5 blocks to the restaurant.  I ate an incredibly large bowl of stir fry from the Flattop Grill and downed it with 2 Diet Cokes.  Upon returning to my office, I ate an abnormally healthy portion of the peach crisp that Katie had made me, and topped it with some of the home-made maple cream sauce.  After Katie's departure and my return to work, I began to feel very uncomfortable.  I again drove to the convenience store and downed 2 tablespoons of Pepto-Bismol to ensure that I would be constipated throughout the evening.  For dinner, I ate a piece of chicken drenched in butter and coated, again in cereal.  On top of that, I had a pile of mashed potatoes and some sweet peas.  For dessert, I had a Dairy Queen blizzard.  And just to be sure that I completed this amazing effort, I downed some chips and salsa just before bedtime.

When I woke up this morning, BAM!, I had gained the full 5lbs.  Though you may be encourage to try this at home, I do not recommend it; I am an expert.

No comments:

Post a Comment