Friday, January 13, 2012
Breaking News: Weight Watchers Watches as McDonalds Goes Healthy
On heels of its overwhelmingly successful campaign in New Zealand (see here ), Weight Watchers has given the go ahead to label the entire McDonalds menu as "healthy".
No spokesperson for Weight Watchers were available for comment, but many of them could be seen counting their money all the way to the bank.
A spokesperson for McDonalds, between snickers, was quoted "We always new we were the healthy alternative, now we have the Weight Watchers label to back it up." When asked how its menu could be considered healthy, the spokesperson retorted, "Look, you can get more than half your daily value of calories, fat, sodium, and sugar from one Double Quarter Pounder w/ cheese. If you pair that with a large fry and a coke, you're set for the whole day. Then you have the rest of your day to work it off. We are doing you guys a favor, healthy and time efficient." Questions about past attempts to improve upon a "healthy" image for McDonalds with the introduction of fruit, yogurt, and salads were responded with indignation and the comment, "Yeah, we're probably going to stop carrying that crap; nobody buys it anyway. Besides, who needs it now that the Big Mac is as healthy as a spinach!"
The spokesperson followed these comments up with, "Look, this is just the beginning. Our products are going to start being carried at all of the Weight Watchers meetings. We have plans to move into the supermarket aisles under the Weight Watchers name. Frozen 'Happy Meals'; doesn't that just sound delicious, and healthy!"
"After that, we are going to move our way into the schools; have you seen the junk they are feeding those kids! And it is really important that these kids are learning about healthy eating. If they are not going to get it at home, McDonalds will give it to them!"
In light of these new developments, it has been rumored that Morgan Spurlock, creator of the hit film Super Size Me, and Eric Schlosser, author of Fast Food Nation, are collaborating on a project tentatively titled, The Slow and the Dead, a expose about the dangers of food borne illnesses and homecooking.
The general public has embraced McDonalds new healthy menu with an insatiable vigor. Deep Fried Franny, a long time McDonalds customer could hardly contain her 300lbs of excitement, in her spandex and Disney sweatshirt, "This is the break I have been looking for! I have been interested in trying a healthier diet, now I don't even have to change a damn thing; they have already done it for me!"