Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be insensitive! Anorexia is a very serious disease, affecting at least 50% of the Olsen twins, and should not be taken lightly (Is that a pun?).
While looking at some recent pictures of myself, I have realized that I suffer from a very debilitating disorder, reverse-anorexia! It is my understanding that a person suffering from normal anorexia will look into the mirror and see a fat person looking back at them, no matter how thin they actually may be. Only after counseling and years of therapy, do they begin to see the thin person they actually are.
I on the other hand suffer from the exact opposite. When I look into the mirror, I don't see a fat "me", but instead see a me that is starting to look pretty fit, maybe even slender. I check the outfit that I am wearing for the usual stains of food that missed my gaping mouth, and check that the wrinkles are not so bad that I look like I slept in my clothes. I also admire how well the outfit seems to fit my physique, admiring what I believe to be slim lines. I leave my home with the impression that I look pretty good.
On a few occasions my wife has been known to snap a picture or two, often including a shot of me. This past weekend as we looked at the pictures from a friend's wedding I found myself commenting, "Katie looks really good, but who is that fat guy with his arm around her? Holy shit! That is me!!!" And that is when I realized I have the terrible disease known as reverse-anorexia! When I look at myself in the mirror, I think I look really good. Obviously, I do not suffer from a lack of self-confidence. However, when I am faced with the reality that I am still a big guy, it really comes as a shock.
Fortunately, there are a few cures that I can look to for a solution. The first is that I will never again take a picture while standing next to my tremendously slender wife, nor anyone who may be skinnier than me. If I only take pictures with people who are bigger than me, I can continue my delusion. The second is that I must continue to lose weight. I have been doing pretty well, and may even make my earlier goal of 185 by July 1. But it is obvious to me that I may have to set my goals a little bit lower if I really want to appear as slender as I feel!
I think everyone at some point has cringed at themselves in a photo for one reason or another, whether it's an unflattering angle/outfit or simple modesty of being on camera (or if I'm desperate I'll say the photographer did a crappy job). I also tend to wonder if I have reverse-anorexia due to the times in my life I was convinced I looked good (and was eating healthy and exercising) only to recieve a back-handed comment or the weight chart treatment. I kniw I'm not and never was skinny, but I rarely get recognition for the muscle tone I believe to have and sometimes wonder if my bulging calves are really just globs of fat, or if the good feelings I have about myself after a good workout are all self-delusion. I'm also inexplicably heavy for my height but din't look it, hence the ongoing question of reverse-anorexia being a thing and whether I do indeed struggle with it.
ReplyDeleteJust focus on being healthy and don't fix what isn't broken is all I can really say. And try not to let pictures or back-handed comments get you down.